The waiting game

Here we are. Two days past my due date. Baby's still sitting snugly inside my belly.

This is completely expected. Many first babies are late. In general, it's rare that a baby comes on his due date.

And yet. It's hard not to get more curious and anxious about when he'll actually make his appearance. Every time  I stand up and my lower abdomen feels uncomfortable, I wonder if something might be starting. When I lay down for bed in the evening, I ponder whether this will be the night when I awake with contractions. Last night Stuart and I doused our dinner with chipotles and went on a walk in our local park. Still nothing.

I'm so used to being a scheduler and clock-watcher that it's difficult to give myself over to baby's time. I keep thinking that my stomach is so tight, he doesn't have any room left to grow, so doesn't he want to come out and play? Hitting the due date made the baby feel so close, made it harder to believe it could be almost two more weeks before anything happens.

Friday was my last day at work. It's been strange this week to get up, dress, and sit at home alone. Watching movies, taking naps, writing, catching up on those baby books I'd been putting off reading -- these are fine activities. It's nice to have this time to relax and think before my whole life turns upside down. At the same time, it's odd to not be as busy as usual. To be so much more aware of baby when he moves and wonder each time whether he's considering a new way of life.

Last night we went to a neighborhood block party, and everyone kept asking, "When's the baby due?" I have to admit it was kind of fun to say, "Yesterday." A much different feeling than when I was counting down toward the due date. Now I'm counting past it.

Well, baby, I know you'll come when you're ready. Just know that I can't wait for that time to arrive.

A temporary appearance

"Do you feel that?" the midwife asked me. "There's his foot. Oh, and there's the other foot. Looks like he's got one leg crossed over the other."

The midwife has magic hands; they press and rub my belly and discern legs, elbows, feet, hands. I feel lumps that move -- something is there, but I have no idea what it is.

This time, figuring out the baby's position had a different purpose. The midwife planned to paint a picture on my stomach of his current state. She debated with the apprentice before deciding he faced my left, then pulled out a paint crayon to sketch his outline on my skin.

I lay still on the bed, the wet crayons and her hands cooling my stomach as they pressed and glided, and I saw the baby's bottom and legs take shape. Underneath the skin, baby wiggled at each touch and pushed one of those feet straight outward, creating a large bulge near my belly button. We laughed at his impatience -- what was happening out there?

I could see very little from my vantage point except the red placenta at the top, feeding my baby, and his little kicking legs, their tiny toes crossing my left side. He floated in a calming sky blue that made me envy his state. He sits in my belly, all his needs met, unaware of any other world. I carry him closer than I ever will again, yet it doesn't feel close enough -- I want him to be outside, laying on my chest so I can soothe him and stroke his head.

Soon the midwife had finished, and Stuart joined me on the bed for our first family photo. In my mind I imagined us doing the same after the birth, but with a writhing red baby in our arms -- many hours of laboring behind us, nearly forgotten as we smile at our son and he gazes back.

Not much longer now. Only a week until my due date, although he could come anytime between today and several weeks from now. We eagerly wait.

I didn't want to pull my shirt back down over the masterpiece on my belly; I wanted to show him off to the world. Soon I will hold his tiny hands, snuggle him close, and kiss him with a new kind of love that I've never known before.

That night I stripped and headed to the shower. The water splashed my belly and the blue, orange and red rolled down the drain. His external imprint was gone, but soon it would be replaced by something more real and infinitely better. Soon enough.

Am I ready?

37 weeks

Earlier in the pregnancy, I noted that everyone kept asking me, "How are you feeling?" Over the last month, as my due date rapidly approaches, the most common question has changed to, "Are you ready?" I get asked this at least once a day.

At first I didn't really know what this question meant, so I wasn't sure how to answer. It could mean so many things -- are you ready for labor, are you ready to have a baby around, are you ready to be a parent, do you have everything you need for the baby? A few weeks back, when someone asked if I was ready, I queried them back, "What do you mean?" They looked surprised, as if they'd just asked the question because it felt right, not really knowing what they expected me to say. They eventually answered, "Is the nursery ready?"

That was when I discovered that most people who ask this question really just want to know if we have our room prepared, if we acquired all the things we need for the baby once he's here. It's a perfectly understandable question, so now when people ask, I typically respond accordingly about all the baby gifts we've been moving into the nursery.

But inside the head of a hormonal soon-to-be mom, "Are you ready?" has much deeper connotations. In particular, I wonder whether I'm ready to go through this birth, and that's what I think about every day.

It's funny to me that I've been so confident throughout this whole pregnancy, knowing that I would be strong, I could handle a natural birth, and I was ready to bring my baby into the world at home. But the closer the due date gets, the more scared I seem to become. Some of this is due again to those pregnant woman hormones -- my emotions are up and down from minute to minute. But I'm also getting hit with the reality that the day is almost here -- it could, in fact, come at any time -- which is a bit frightening no matter how strong or excited I am.

I think part of the fear is in not knowing exactly when my son will appear. Those who know me know that I'm a planner. I like to know exactly when and where things will happen. Getting ready for a birth does not work this way. The baby will come when he's ready -- be that tomorrow or a month from now -- and I can't just schedule him into my online calendar like I do for everything else. Not knowing makes it more intimidating. But, oddly enough, it also makes it more invigorating. It reminds me that I can try to prepare all I want, but nature will take its course, just as it has for so many women before me. What happens will happen, and I will make it through, and soon enough I'll have a beautiful baby in my life, ready to accept my love.

So am I ready? As much as I can be.

Showered with love

I am lucky to have such wonderful friends who threw me an amazing baby shower last weekend. They were very creative in the planning -- hosting the event at Pringle Creek Community, a green and sustainable community here in Salem. They also had a frozen yogurt bar featuring yummy fro-yo from Fairview Farm Dairy, a great local organic goat farm that Stuart and I have happily visited the past few years (baby goats are the cutest thing ever!).

Most importantly, I was surrounded by wonderful friends who were so supportive and showered us with all sorts of amazing gifts for the baby. They increased our little one's library of books, added to our growing cloth diaper collection, and gave us a whole array of other great things. We are so thankful for everyone's kindness. I'm especially thankful to Stephanie and Beth, the wonderful co-hosts who made it all happen.

Yummy frozen yogurt from Fairview Farm

Fro-yo bar

Co-host Beth with her son Ewan

Missy, Amy and Diane with co-host Stephanie on the right

Heather, Shannon and Dawn

Me with Kobbi. My dress was made by my mother-in-law.

Me with my other pregnant friend Melissa, who just had her baby a few days ago!

Hula-hooping was a popular activity.

Everyone decorated onesies for the baby. Very cute!

Thanks for all the great gifts!

A support network

Me with my friend Melissa, who is due a month before me.

As we grow older, we all see our friends go through cycles -- everyone gets boy/girlfriends, everyone gets married, everyone has kids. Several years ago, many of my friends reached the kid cycle, and at the time, Stuart and I were not yet ready. We knew we wanted children, but we had a few things to finish first, namely, me earning my master's degree, and then us moving into our new house.

We watched our other friends have babies, and at first it was a little disheartening to think that we would be "left out" -- that all of them would have kids around the same age who would be friends, and ours would come along later as part of a different cycle.

However, we needn't have been concerned. For one, several of those friends are now working on their second children at the same time we're having our first. A new group of babies and potential friends. Plus, several of our other childless friends are joining family-hood along with us. Now there are babies coming everywhere, and we're part of the latest boom.

But one big reason I'm glad that my other friends went through this first is that I can rely on them for help and support. Every time I have questions about this whole process or what comes next or what I need to do to prepare, I can lean on my friends because they've already been there. And they love to share what they've learned. From helping me set up my baby registry to taking prenatal yoga with me to loaning me maternity clothes, my friends have already helped me in more ways than I can count.

I'm so thankful to have them in my life. And I can't wait to pay it forward to other new moms I will know in the future.

My birth partner

28 weeks - one week ago

Despite having a big workload in the past few weeks, I managed to fit in several birth-related classes. Stuart and I signed up for a two-part child birth preparation class taught by Emily Heldt. The class was specifically geared toward parents planning to give birth at home or a birth center. I was so thankful to have a class with this in mind because the things we learned about were much different than what we might have learned in a typical hospital birthing class.

We were lucky in that there were only two other couples in the class, so we all got to know each other and had plenty of time to ask questions and discuss what was on our minds.

Emily was a wonderful teacher -- I highly recommend her. I think the two biggest things I gained were a clearer understanding of what will actually happen during labor and birth, and a more intimate connection with Stuart and his role in the birth process.

All the couples in the class were first-time parents, so all of us were completely mystified by how labor and birth actually work. It was nice to get to ask basic questions about what would happen to us, and now I feel much less intimidated by the experience. Yes, it will still be difficult, but at least I now have an idea of what to expect.

As for the second part, I know that Stuart felt very unsure about what he would do during labor. He knew he wanted to support me, but didn't really know how that might work. We spent a lot of time in class focusing on how the spouse can be supportive and be an active participant in the birth process, and I think that helped both Stuart and I feel more connected. Hearing him articulate his thoughts helped me realize how much he cares about me and the baby, which made me feel closer to him.

As I start my third and final trimester, I feel much more knowledgeable but also much more at peace with what's ahead of me. And I'm so thankful to have Stuart at my side.

Deciphering the diaper deluge

Tonight I had the most amazing 90-minute facial/foot massage/hand massage from my friend Jeannie at Perle Holistic Skincare. I'm feeling so nice and relaxed... that was just what my tense and increasingly achy body needed. I've got several massages scheduled for the next two months, and I'm now realizing how important they'll be. :-)

Our first cloth diaper purchase: the Bumboo.

Now on to the real topic of this post, cloth diapers. I mentioned a little while ago that I was overwhelmed to learn that there were so many different diapering systems out there. So we took action: we hosted a cloth diapering class at our house recently, run by a local doula who is extremely knowledgeable about this topic. Five other pregnant moms and two other dads joined me and Stuart at our home to learn about all these various systems and how they worked. The teacher brought a ton of examples so we could see what she was talking about.

Before we had the class, I saw an online deal for a diaper called the Bumboo (the photo above) and they had good reviews from moms online, so I bought a two-pack. We learned that these Bumboos will need a diaper cover around the outside of them, but that's common for several types of diapers.

Another nice thing about the class was that the teacher shared several ways she easily makes different parts of the diaper (like inserts and liners) by cutting up pieces of cloth -- much cheaper than buying those parts, and it doesn't even involve sewing. Nice tip.

The result of the class was that we were still quite overwhelmed by all the choices, but we felt much more confident that we are at least more familiar with the options and can try to make informed decisions about which ones we like. Overall, the message I got was clear: We won't really know what works best for us until our son is here. So in the meantime, we'll try to stock up on a few different types, and then just try them out.

We felt brave enough after the class to even start a second gift registry on Amazon that includes several types of diapers to help us get started. That's much better than where we were a month ago!